Children, uh no thanks.

I chose not to have children. I knew from a very young age I did not want to be a parent.

And to all those people out there that told me “Oh you’ll change your mind”, I’d like to say Kiss my Ass!

I never had kids and I have never regretted it. I also sleep a lot. And I have nice shoes. And a lot of other nice toys!

Selfish? Yeah but no more than someone who had kids. Really is the world going to come to a screeching halt because your genes do not live on?

I really don’t like children. I have never looked at a baby and gone “Awhhhhh, how cute/sweet/adorable. I want one.” Nope. Puppies yes; kids no. If anything I look at those red, scrunchy, sticky, smooshed up faces and think “That thing looks like an ugly monkey and why is it’s head pointy and god I hope it grows into those ears.” I really don’t think I have any maternal instinct in me.

Now when they grow up a bit and develop a sense of humor, I will warm up to them a bit, usually around the age of 24 or 25 do I begin to find them tolerable. There are a few exceptions to the rule, three to be exact. The rest I just ignore or put up with because their parents would beat me up if I smothered them.

I actually think about smothering them a lot. They never shut up and once they learn to talk it is worse. “No I am not interested in looking at your dirt encrusted booger. And do not touch my toys. Those are mine. Get your dirty, boogery fingers off my stuff and shut up.”

I know I am a curmudgeon but those voices are like nails on a chalkboard. And they repeat themselves, you’d think they had been sneaking into the scotch. And how come their parents can’t hear them say “Mom, mom, mom, look, look, look, look, mom, mom, mom….” for the forty seventh time? I have actually turned around in a restaurant and said “Answer the kid.”

In my defense it was a very nice restaurant. Believe it or not I have actually become slightly more tolerable of the little darlings. Mostly it is because I am able to avoid places that I know they will be. Why do people take their small, ill mannered children into really nice restaurants and then let them run amok? Hey if I go into a fast food place I know what I am getting into and just try and get in and out without stepping on one of them as they push on my legs and run past me screaming. Another reason to avoid fast food.

Not pretty, actually kinda disgusting

I will admit babies are smart, they know I am not a good person. Every time I have had one shoved at me and I had to hold it, the kid immediately senses danger and starts to scream.

Now if someone is foolish enough to make me talk to or watch an older child I like to tell them the truth. It is amazing how well that works on keeping kids away. For some reason parents aren’t too keen on having their children around someone that tells the truth.

The world is probably a better place without me having kids. I can just imagine the spawn I would have. My mother kept telling me someday I would have kids just like me, hey I’m not stupid, why would I want to do that?

15 thoughts on “Children, uh no thanks.

  1. I don’t think it’s selfish at all to say you don’t want to have kids. I think it would be more selfish to have them when it really wasn’t what you wanted just to make society or someone else happy. FYI… my son and I are cracking up over that picture. LOVE IT!!

    • I was told I was selfish when I would say I didn’t want kids? I really never understood that one. But one of my favorite comments would be that I would change my mind when I had kids of my own……..? Uhh, not going to happen.
      Glad you like the picture, it made me laugh and cringe!

  2. hahahahahaha!!!!
    I love kids… as long as they aren’t mine….
    I don’t want any of my own, never really have… and my family just doesn’t get it.
    “oh you would make such a good mom” – NOT

    • I hear that a lot too. Being patient with them for ten minutes does not mean I’d make a good mom! See what happens to my patience when the little lovelies wake me up in the middle of the night.
      I am lucky though my family is not the one saying any of these things, they firmly agree I would not make a good mother, and they should know.

  3. I loved your post on kids, thanks for being so blunt and articulating what some of us really think and feel about not wanting kids – ever. I thoroughly enjoyed it 🙂 keep ’em coming.

  4. I’m young, so I suppose it’s possible I could change my mind, but I don’t think so. People give me funny looks when I say this, but I don’t really like kids. Their high energy levels annoy me. Sometimes I enjoy kids in small doses, so I think I’d like to be an aunt or something. But I don’t want to spend the majority of my time caring for a child. I want my time for me. That might sound selfish, but it’s more selfish to have kids just to appease others and then neglect them. Or at least it’s the worse course of action. People always tell me I’ll change my mind and want kids someday, but I don’t really think so.

    • Don’t worry they will stop saying that. I found out around thirty people quit telling me I would change my mind. I think people began to think maybe I couldn’t have kids, and you know that is a subject no one wants to get into.
      I have known since I was about thirteen I didn’t want kids. I don’t think it is selfish, I think bringing a child into this world you are unprepared to raise is.
      Enjoy your childless life! Let me tell you it is fun in your forties, all your friends with kids are tired and broke from raising kids and then helping to put them through college (or rehab)!

  5. Only thing I will say is that my daughter is one of the best things that happened in my life. Annoying at times? Yes. Trouble? Probably more of that to come as she gets older. But she is also a joy and makes life a more interesting place for me. As I said, I am only speaking for me.

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