20 miles and 100%

Got a 20 mile ride in and 100% on my math exam.

I should be feeling pretty good, and I am about that. Today was a good day, but things are complicated.

My mother called this week. I saw the her name come up on my phone. I answered it anyways. Now I wish I hadn’t, what the hell was I thinking?  We haven’t spoken in over a year and nothing has changed. Like I said it is complicated. She is still angry at me. She is angry I stood up for myself and I refuse to back down. I have always given in, done what was necessary to keep the peace, apologized when I didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time. This time she went too far and I won’t do it.

I love my mother and she has been a good parent, or at least the best she could be but she expects, demands a lot from her only daughter. And this time it is more than I can give. I just can’t do it. What she wants goes against everything in me. I told her that a year ago, I offered her my compromise. She seemed to accept it but then changed her mind. It is all or nothing; her way or the highway. Basically that is what she told me. I told her fine, then I’m done.

So the call started with her saying “Are you over it yet? We haven’t talked in a year, it is eating me up. You need to just get over it. This is your mother.”  Those were her exact words. She is still furious with me, I’m not sure why she even called. I was civil, we talked but I told her no I hadn’t “gotten over it”. I haven’t changed my mind and I wasn’t planning to.

While the conversation didn’t turn into a screaming disaster that is only because I refused to go there. She thinks we need counseling. What she really means is I need counseling to get me to change my mind and do what she wants. Not going to happen, the changing of my mind that is. I told her if she wanted counseling I would go. My hope is that she will finally accept that I am an adult and that she can’t bully or guilt me into doing what she wants anymore.

But the reality is I wish I hadn’t answered the phone. While it has been gut wrenchingly painful, I had finally come to peace with it. I accepted that our relationship is not ever going to be a truly healthy one and that at least for me it is better if we don’t have anything to do with each other. The last year has actually been a relief to not have to deal with her, her expectations of what I should be and do.

Why did I answer that phone? Why didn’t I just let it go into voicemail? Did I really think she had changed? That she would accept my decision? I had hoped so, but I was wrong. I really don’t want to dredge this up again. And I don’t want to hurt her because that is how she will perceive my decision to once again say “No, I won’t do this.” I just can’t put her desires/happiness before my moral/ethical consciousness, again. *sigh*

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9 thoughts on “20 miles and 100%

  1. I don’t need to know the background. You’re right; families are incredibly complicated. Some parents find it more difficult than others to accept their kids have grown up too. I’m sorry that your situation has got to this point where you can’t talk to her, for both of you, but I’m glad that you’ve got the strength to be able to put yourself first and keep the necessary distance for your own peace of mind.

    • Thanks, I have been obsessing over this for days. You think by now I’d be better at dealing with it, some things never change. I don’t want to cause her any more pain but I’m sure I will and she will think it is intentional.

      • Mothers are difficult, even the good ones. No matter what you do, in the act of simply growing up, becoming an adult, and cutting the apron strings, you will cause pain. If it’s actually better in the long run that the two of you don’t speak, then that’s what you’ve got to go with. *hugs*

  2. I hear daily at my job from either one of my complaining students or one of their complaining parents, “You’re not listening!” Um, no, I’m listening just fine, I’m just not agreeing with you. Whatever it was, whatever the case, you have done the right thing for yourself. Over the course of my marriage, I and my husband have had some issues with his family. There are a few who always want there way. Right now, he has a sister that hasn’t spoken to us since August and is refusing to come to Thanksgiving until we give her an apology. We have no idea what she wants an apology for. It’s so frustrating to deal with an “adult” who wants to act like a child. Again, I don’t know what you are dealing with, with your mom, but I support you, you are doing the right thing for yourself by standing by your decisions.

    • Family dynamics are complicated! I thought my mother and I had reached a compromise but then she changed her mind. I hope we can work this out I’m just not sure it is the right time yet. She is still very angry at me for not backing down. I have to see the irony in this, she is a strong, stubborn woman and raised a strong, stubborn, independent daughter!

  3. Hmm, I don’t get along with my mom, but whatever the problem is (and we are both aware of it), she pretends like it doesn’t exist and never brings it up. I know it exists and speak to her as little as possible and never divulge any life details.

    You’re right, some things never change, and I don’t expect them to change for her, or for myself. My mom just ignores the situation, we are just silent about it. Perhaps its possible to put a silence on whatever it is for you guys?

    • Tried that but I’m willing to try it again, not so sure about my mother. Damn woman is like a dog with a bone, she just won’t leave it be. I know ignoring a problem won’t make it go away but for now I don’t see a resolution and talking about it just ends up with us arguing. Silence is golden!

  4. First – 20 miles AND a 100% – woohoo! Good for you!
    Second – I’m really sorry the phone call from your mom has upset you. My mom tries my patience, but for the most part we get along great. (her and my sister…a different story – I have the mediator role for that one)..my husband’s mom had him really early, she did the I’m your friend not your mother thing that eventually evolved into this is what you should do with your life and if you don’t – I’m pissed off at you. I agree, family can enhance your life or make you miserable if you let it sometimes. I just hope things work out for the best and I am firm believer, that at the end of the day, you should live your life the way you see fit!

    • Been working hard on the biking and the math. Hope to improve in both this winter.
      My mother is just going to have to deal with her feelings, I’m done with the guilt and feeling like it is my responsibility to make her happy. (Eldest child and only girl)

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