Birthday Post

I think birthdays are cool.

I like having birthdays. To anyone that complains about them, all I have to say is “Drop dead.”

So that being said, I’m not really doing anything special this year. Some years I do and some years I don’t, but I do do whatever I feel on my birthday. I have been lucky that I have a job where I can take the day off no matter when it falls. This year it is on a Sunday, and I don’t work anyways, but to make up for it I am taking tomorrow off. Whoo-hoo.

I am catching up on homework. I know sounds boring but it makes me feel good to know I have got that taken care of. Think I might go all out and bother to shave my legs. (shaving seems to be a big search term on my blog? Go figure, I’ll just go with it.)

Some friends are taking me out for pizza tonight. I love pizza. I also love cookies, and a friend of mine makes me a batch of these totally, addicting, to die for, heath bar cookies every year. I don’t mean cookies with little crumbles of heath bar, I mean cookies with chunks the size a quarter of a bar on top. She dropped them off Friday, they were gone by Saturday morning. I have no self-control.

Looking at pictures of cake made me hungry!

Looking at pictures of cake made me hungry!

So that is my day. If feels right this year. I am happy. I am alive! Another year older and still here. It is a good day!

Happy 2013

I figure I will be trying to remember to write that for at least a month.

2013

This year is off to a good start. Well I woke up. But no that isn’t all, but that is still a good start. I found something while perusing the webs. While not confirmed yet by the CSIS it is believed to be a rare photo of Le Clown as a child.

Is this who I think this is? It could be worth money!

Is this who I think this is? It could be worth money!

Happy Damn New Year to You!

Aside

Tis the New Year’s Eve!

I love this painting. It was done by an artist friend of mine and it is so comforting to look at in the winter.

I love this painting. It was done by an artist friend of mine and it is so comforting to look at in the winter. To see more of her work go here!

I am celebrating by staying home and hanging out with the old dog. I have a wonderful bottle of champagne in the refrigerator that someone gave me. I always feel a little guilty for wasting a whole bottle for only one glass but hey I just might live dangerously. Or not.

The neighbors are having a good time driving their big trucks up and down the road. The fireworks have started already, if this is a good year it will get exciting when someone blows up their meth lab by mistake! Unfortunately the dog doesn’t like all the fireworks but I have drugs for that. Doggy Xanax, really I looked it up, it is generic xanax. The hullabaloo will end around one am, which is fine I’m a night owl anyways. I see midnight more often than not so it isn’t a big to do for me. I have a couple of documentaries on Netflix that I have been meaning to watch and I don’t have to work tomorrow.

My old boy. Life is better with dogs. And don't tell me owners look like their pets!

My old boy. Life is better with dogs. And don’t tell me owners look like their pets!

I got an early start to the festivities today. My last client cancelled at the last minute. Normally this would piss me off but I decided Ehhh, it is the end of the year. I might as we keep it on a high note. So I grabbed my shoes and went for a run in the daylight! It was a beautiful if chilly day, might as well make the best of it, being the last day of the year. Maybe tomorrow will be nice too and I can get a bike ride in. Good way to end and begin the years. Sure as hell beat puking and a hangover.

It has been a good year. Good friends and good times!

It has been a good year. Good friends and good times!

I think the coming year will be full of changes. I’m not one for resolutions but I am starting a course of action that will change many things in my life. Hope it is for the better but it will certainly be interesting. School starts on the third for me. I am hoping to narrow down my choices for where to apply to in the next few months. Depending on where I choose and/or get accepted to I will have to either move or start commuting by next year. The two closest programs to me are an hours drive and the other ones mean moving at least temporarily. I am both excited and terrified by the idea.

don't regret

Hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year!

20 miles and 100%

Got a 20 mile ride in and 100% on my math exam.

I should be feeling pretty good, and I am about that. Today was a good day, but things are complicated.

My mother called this week. I saw the her name come up on my phone. I answered it anyways. Now I wish I hadn’t, what the hell was I thinking?  We haven’t spoken in over a year and nothing has changed. Like I said it is complicated. She is still angry at me. She is angry I stood up for myself and I refuse to back down. I have always given in, done what was necessary to keep the peace, apologized when I didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time. This time she went too far and I won’t do it.

I love my mother and she has been a good parent, or at least the best she could be but she expects, demands a lot from her only daughter. And this time it is more than I can give. I just can’t do it. What she wants goes against everything in me. I told her that a year ago, I offered her my compromise. She seemed to accept it but then changed her mind. It is all or nothing; her way or the highway. Basically that is what she told me. I told her fine, then I’m done.

So the call started with her saying “Are you over it yet? We haven’t talked in a year, it is eating me up. You need to just get over it. This is your mother.”  Those were her exact words. She is still furious with me, I’m not sure why she even called. I was civil, we talked but I told her no I hadn’t “gotten over it”. I haven’t changed my mind and I wasn’t planning to.

While the conversation didn’t turn into a screaming disaster that is only because I refused to go there. She thinks we need counseling. What she really means is I need counseling to get me to change my mind and do what she wants. Not going to happen, the changing of my mind that is. I told her if she wanted counseling I would go. My hope is that she will finally accept that I am an adult and that she can’t bully or guilt me into doing what she wants anymore.

But the reality is I wish I hadn’t answered the phone. While it has been gut wrenchingly painful, I had finally come to peace with it. I accepted that our relationship is not ever going to be a truly healthy one and that at least for me it is better if we don’t have anything to do with each other. The last year has actually been a relief to not have to deal with her, her expectations of what I should be and do.

Why did I answer that phone? Why didn’t I just let it go into voicemail? Did I really think she had changed? That she would accept my decision? I had hoped so, but I was wrong. I really don’t want to dredge this up again. And I don’t want to hurt her because that is how she will perceive my decision to once again say “No, I won’t do this.” I just can’t put her desires/happiness before my moral/ethical consciousness, again. *sigh*

My brain is going to explode.

So I am surviving my math class,but questioning my sanity.

I am always questioning my sanity but actually I have done pretty well, so far. I surprised myself on how well I did on the last exam. But as my instructor so helpfully posted most people have the most trouble with this next section. Sigh. He even backed it up with a chart on how much the last three semesters classes exam scores dropped for this particular section. Uh thanks dude, that is encouraging!

Nice logo for a university.

So I haven’t posted anything in the last week. I have been spending all my spare time either studying, exercising or relaxing. I got my priorities straight. Make it through this week and I should be good. But I have been dropping in and reading, thank you wonderful bloggers!

It is a transition time with the weather changing going to crap and I have to be diligent on keeping up my exercise routine. With the days getting shorter, cold, wet and windy it can be easy to use that excuse to not get out and bike, walk or run. Not a good thing for me, I get cranky and lethargic. It might be simpler if I liked to exercise in a gym but I have never been able to do that. I’d rather be outside than stuck in a gym staring at a wall or god forbid some TV screen! I do lift weights at home in the winter if I can’t get out, but my preferred method of de-stressing is aerobic exercise.

So I will be back with some snarky comments about my clients and life in general soon. Actually my clients have been pretty good lately, think the weather may be keeping them quiet too. But I know we will be building up to the ~ oh my god it is the holidays and you just have to get me in now! Of course I haven’t called or made an appointment and waited until the last minute. Uh yeah, this is my problem how? Your lack of planning isn’t my crisis and yeah those holidays just appear out of no where. But on an up note I will be getting some really good cookies (and pumpkin bread~Ellen) soon! I have some killer bakers in my stable of clients.

You don’t lose your chance just your place in line

This is the unofficial motto of dating in my small town.

Pretty much this is true. And if you don’t/can’t stand seeing you exs all the time well then you are screwed.

I am lucky; I either still like my exs, they moved away or I can’t stand them but I look better than their current girlfriend/wife.

Dating in a small town can be difficult. Well I’m not sure difficult is the right word maybe different. In some ways it resembles high school, oh god yes. I mean you know who they have already slept with and have to deal with that. Oh hell, you may be friends with their exs but that can be good you can get the lowdown on their skills or lack of and whether it is even worth putting on a dress.  Forget the dress that means I’d have to shave and you know I probably forgot to do that, again.

Sometimes it can be hard to get up the desire to even go out because there is a really good chance that it will be the same people you saw out last week/month/year. Often inertia sets in and it just seems easier to stay home and read blog. You notice I am posting this on a Saturday night.  I thought about going out and then I though Meh.

Your single friends are in the same boat or mind set. And then your coupled up friends are no help at all at all. They just want to pair you up with their brother/cousin. I swear at least half this town is 2nd cousins to each other.

Your like “No what about that cute guy you work with?” Oh him? Yeah he’s nice but I don’t think your right for each other. Excuse me? Let me decide that! Hold it are you saying I’m not nice? Well maybe they are right cause all I’m thinking is  “Damn he is good looking maybe I just want to get laid!

Everyone seems to think they know what would be best for you. Argh!

So what do you do? Well I am home alone on a Saturday night. Hmmm, maybe I should just Facebook that guy and send him a message. Have another swig of wine. Yeah he won’t think I’m a complete nut job right?

Pictures

Pictures of me, usually I dislike them. Don’t most of us?

My hiking partner ML takes lots of photos. He has a real passion for it. Mostly he takes pictures of water and flowers while we hike, but he does take a few of me too. Most of the time I am unaware that I am in the photo but if I do realize he is taking a picture of me I am often goofing off or glaring at him. I am not the best behaved subject.

Still sometimes he gets a photo of me that even I like. Of all the photos he has taken while hiking this one is my favorite.

At first when he would take pictures and there was a nice one I wanted a copy of he would send it to me as a raw data file. It would take forever to download and when I opened it my nose would be the size of a dinner plate. I would have to scroll around just to see a small portion of the picture. I have finally gotten him to send me the photos in a more manageable size. No one and I mean no one wants to see their pores and wrinkles that big! I am thankful that he deletes the really horrible ones of me. He has occasionally threatened to post them on my FB account. Some of them are pretty damn funny but he is too nice and never has. Maybe it is because he knows I have my own stash of unflattering photos of him.

Pictures are captured moments of time. They are suspended. There can be something very powerful about a photo, they allow the looker to make up the back story.

Photos of yourself allow you to study the minute details that you normally can’t see.  Even looking in the mirror you are still moving and alive it is almost impossible to study yourself in the way that you can in a photo.