Got a 20 mile ride in and 100% on my math exam.
I should be feeling pretty good, and I am about that. Today was a good day, but things are complicated.
My mother called this week. I saw the her name come up on my phone. I answered it anyways. Now I wish I hadn’t, what the hell was I thinking? We haven’t spoken in over a year and nothing has changed. Like I said it is complicated. She is still angry at me. She is angry I stood up for myself and I refuse to back down. I have always given in, done what was necessary to keep the peace, apologized when I didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time. This time she went too far and I won’t do it.
I love my mother and she has been a good parent, or at least the best she could be but she expects, demands a lot from her only daughter. And this time it is more than I can give. I just can’t do it. What she wants goes against everything in me. I told her that a year ago, I offered her my compromise. She seemed to accept it but then changed her mind. It is all or nothing; her way or the highway. Basically that is what she told me. I told her fine, then I’m done.
So the call started with her saying “Are you over it yet? We haven’t talked in a year, it is eating me up. You need to just get over it. This is your mother.” Those were her exact words. She is still furious with me, I’m not sure why she even called. I was civil, we talked but I told her no I hadn’t “gotten over it”. I haven’t changed my mind and I wasn’t planning to.
While the conversation didn’t turn into a screaming disaster that is only because I refused to go there. She thinks we need counseling. What she really means is I need counseling to get me to change my mind and do what she wants. Not going to happen, the changing of my mind that is. I told her if she wanted counseling I would go. My hope is that she will finally accept that I am an adult and that she can’t bully or guilt me into doing what she wants anymore.
But the reality is I wish I hadn’t answered the phone. While it has been gut wrenchingly painful, I had finally come to peace with it. I accepted that our relationship is not ever going to be a truly healthy one and that at least for me it is better if we don’t have anything to do with each other. The last year has actually been a relief to not have to deal with her, her expectations of what I should be and do.
Why did I answer that phone? Why didn’t I just let it go into voicemail? Did I really think she had changed? That she would accept my decision? I had hoped so, but I was wrong. I really don’t want to dredge this up again. And I don’t want to hurt her because that is how she will perceive my decision to once again say “No, I won’t do this.” I just can’t put her desires/happiness before my moral/ethical consciousness, again. *sigh*