Spam

Reading my spam

Obviously I’m bored, desperate for attention, or just plain weird, because I was reading my spam. But anyways, there was some spam comment about how I’m not reaching 3000 people a day ~blah blah bladdy blah~ because they had trouble finding me I wasn’t on the first page of Google results….buy their shit.

Started laughing, all I could think was obviously they weren’t looking for Washington State Fuck Bugs! Because not only am I on the first page but I’ve now moved up from ninth to First! Yeah first place bitches! First and second! Take that stupid spam!

No I’m not competitive, nor do I need attention so bad that I’ll take it anywhere I can get it I will too.

I scream for Ice Cream

The sketchy ice cream truck.

OK I don’t live in a ghetto like white lady in the hood, but there are some tweekers around and there are a few places I would be careful walking after dark. But all in all, my neighborhood isn’t too bad.

Couple of years ago, all of a sudden I start hearing that sound in my hood, you know the dingalingaling of an ice cream truck. Now this is a little weird. We are kind of a rural area and we have never had an ice cream truck before. There are some kids in my neck of the woods, but not a lot. If I had started an ice cream truck business, I could think of a lot of other neighborhoods that would be way more profitable, if I was selling ice cream.

The other strange thing is, I’d hear that trucks song and before you know it, it would be gone. And then I’d hear it again thirty or forty minutes later; I’d hear the damn thing all the time but I never saw it. (Ohhh, it is a ghost!) Actually I was beginning to think someone was screwing around out here. It took me weeks to actually see the ice cream truck. And that thing was hauling ass!

Now I’m thinking, “OK that is a real ice cream truck, and it is doing the speed limit. Something ain’t right here.”  What ice cream truck drives around with its bell dingalinging at thirty miles an hour? An ice cream truck is supposed to drive really slow, so the kids can go pester their parents for money and get back out there to buy something. Of course I’m just laughing my ass off, thinking about some fat kid chasing after the ice cream truck.

My next thought is what a great idea! Selling drugs out of an ice cream truck.

Yep, the ice cream truck got busted!

Today’s search term

Washington state “fuck bugs”

Search term of the day, the quotes included. I saw this and went WTF? I couldn’t imagine what someone was looking for or how that got them to my blog. So I did what any good investigator would do, I Google it.

I still have no idea what they were looking for but my blog came in ninth on Google for Washington state “fuck bugs. Considering I was at the bottom of the page I’m guessing they didn’t find whatever they were looking for. I wish WordPress would have a button or someway for us to email these people and ask them “what the hell were you looking for?”

Happy 2013

I figure I will be trying to remember to write that for at least a month.

This year is off to a good start. Well I woke up. But no that isn’t all, but that is still a good start. I found something while perusing the webs. While not confirmed yet by the CSIS it is believed to be a rare photo of Le Clown as a child.

Is this who I think this is? It could be worth money!

Top search term…

Top search term of the day~the bitch that trolled Christmas
Thanks for the laughs!

I also noticed I have 666 comments on my blog so far, coincidence?

Did you know?

Zooming around the interweb, something I have been spending too much time doing lately.

But I find so much knowledge, things I never knew about and probably never needed to know about. That auto finish on google when you start to type something in and it tries to guess what you want before you finish, you know like that annoying friend (that would be me) that never lets you finish a sentence.

So things I have found, knowledge that must be passed on so that your brain can be cluttered up like Aunt Methuselah’s attic too. Wool puddle pads, this is a thing.

Labiaplasy before and after pictures. As if a woman didn’t have enough self-esteem problems, now you have to worry about what your vagina looks like. Will they start posting pictures of movie stars privates so we can go ask to get one just like Emma, Angelina or Gwyneth?

Did you know there is a website devoted to weird words? I actual think this one is cool, I like words and I’m figuring if you are a blogger you might too. I spend way too much time on merriam-webster.com as it is.

I also learned that these things have a name.

Furry bones things

OK I have got to quit wasting time I have things I should be doing. Why is that always the best time to search the net?

Anyways I am contemplating doing a Christmas post but only if I can do it without sounding like a complete ass. Good luck with that, this will take much editing, so stick around for the shit show!

You really shouldn’t have.

I cancelled Christmas.

I could give you a lot of reasons but really it is because the presents suck. It is all about the presents. When I was a kid it was great, now not so much. Things I do not want for Christmas…

Hairdresser anything

Yes, I drink coffee and I already have a mug.

I do not want a hair stylist ornament or figurine thanks.

Believe it or not I do know what I am doing, no need to remind me.

Please do not pick out clothing for me.

No, just no.

Yes I like shoes, no I’m not a hooker. Or a reality star.

God what ever you do, do not buy me underwear.

I think I am going to be sick.

No jewelry either.

Really? Have you ever seen me wear anything that remotely looks like this?

Gag gifts? Please they are just going to end up at goodwill with the coffee mugs and hair dresser ornaments.

You spent money on this?

A card is fine, please. I am a good liar but sometime I get a real work out this time of year. I don’t think I can fake any more enthusiasm.  If you must give me something, cash is king.

Wandering mind

My mind wanders to strange places.

Getting a massage today and my masseuse and I begin talking about stress, which lead to Buddhists and the term monkey mind.

That makes me laugh and comment about the fact that most people I know that practice Buddhism do so because they have monkey minds and this is why I find them so aggravating. Not that I don’t often have a monkey mind, the difference is I’m not usually trying to rein it in. I actually enjoy my minds wanderings.

Example: Buddhist, monkey mind, orangutan, Clint Eastwood, spaghetti westerns, that movie he was in with an orangutan. See this is fun! I went from religion to old movies with hot old dude in less than two seconds.

Hot old dude (before he got old) with monkey.

Monkey mind can be helpful, what is more stress relieving than laughing while getting a massage?

Search terms going commando

I love it when people do posts about their blog’s strange and funny search terms.

Going commando is always at the top of mine. I love you people, keeping it classy!

Some of my favorites are:

1. put my combat boots on and go commando ~I think I might have to do more commanding posts, they seem to be popular.
2. stress relieving by using filament ~No I don’t recommend this. Use a sock or something.
3. ass tights ~OK might be related to the commando thing, I think I’ll take this as a compliment.
4. “short men” ~The quotations are not mine. Not a clue, personally I like tall men.
5. chickens dying in a nice way ~Please don’t call PETA.
6. butt pad diaper ~Uhm, well there is a definite maybe a trend here.
7. cycling long tights instead of shaving ~Yeah I hate shaving too.
8. drag queen leg shaving ~All right maybe a shaving thing too. Do I post about shaving a lot? Funny because I don’t do it much.
9. she spit no floor told me to clean it ~ ?
10. ephemerol flu vaccine ~Yeah and get tested too while you’re at it.
11. yes i am a bitch, just not yours ~I love this one. Maybe this should be my motto! 

So have you ever gone and looked at your search engine terms? What is the weirdest thing that you seen? The funniest?

I also get a lot of Demi Moore/pixie haircut, but that is boring.

Made me laugh

One of my clients just left me a voice-mail that made me laugh.

Checked my messages and Bob, an extreme alpha male with a sense of humor, had called.

Hey, Thanksgiving is coming up and I think I need to get my nails done for that. You know paint some turkeys and pumpkins on them. If you can’t fit that in could I just get a haircut?

Maybe something like this?